What really matters.

This post has been a long time coming. I have had so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head lately-- I hope I can make coherent sense, if not for my readers, at least for my future self or even my kids at some point. It's that important to me.

I have found myself increasingly worried about our family over the past few months. Most especially Isaac. He will be 10 this summer. He is on the cusp of what could be a major turning point in his life. He will be faced with some serious decisions. I have been making him promise he will never do drugs, and he looks at me like I am crazy. But in this day and age who knows what is right around the corner? And the problem is there has been A LOT of friction between us and him lately. It scares me. I keep thinking we can't go into the start of his teenage years with a fractured relationship. I sometimes feel like we are losing him. It has weighed very heavily on my mind. I have thought and prayed a lot.

And then, what is it that Spencer W. Kimball said? Oh, the power of Google..."God does watch over us and does notice us, but it usually through someone else that he meets our needs." Or in my case, it is through someone else's blogs that he meets my needs.

I came across a blog post written by a woman whose young teenage daughter was entering into a rebellious phase--not wanting to go to church or do what her family deems to be important. Kind of funny, really (or inspired)--it was NOT a blog I normally read, it was NOT a topic that really applies to my life at all right now. I don't even know why I decided to read the whole thing. I very, very rarely even look at blogs that are written by strangers, much less read the posts. But I'm glad I did. She wrote the following: "Many years ago I heard a talk by Barbara Smith, a former RS president, at an American Mother’s Incorporated meeting and she said that the three most important things she’d learned in raising her seven children were to 1) Save the relationship 2) Save the relationship 3) Save the relationship."

That really, really spoke to me. So much so that last night I sat the family down in a circle and told them a synopsis of the story. (The girls promptly asked me "What's a relationship?") We talked about how the MOST IMPORTANT thing in the whole world is our family and we need to work on saving our relationships. All of us get so caught up in things that just don't matter. Ryan and I spend all of our weekends doing home improvement projects which in an eternal perspective just don't matter. Or I get so caught up in the fact that I have gained weight for no apparent reason and I'm obsessed over what I'm eating and not eating and how much I exercise every day. Really I live a healthy lifestyle--the rest just doesn't matter. I'm not saying that we can let everything slide--I am in an eternal quest for balance, but I do want to shift the focus to family. We have to cling to each other, because that is what matters.

I came across another blog that I have never read or followed, but had heard about. Again, I don't know what prompted me to read it but it was extremely touching and profound and thought provoking. It reinforced my feelings and desires. The girl who writes it has been through some agonizing trials and really knows what is important in her life. She mentioned how the other day she just kept all her kids home from school because that is what they needed that day. They needed to be together. And I think, gosh, I usually am just so thrilled for Monday morning to push my kids back out the door for the week. It wouldn't even occur to me to keep them home. But I need to develop stronger relationships with them so I know when they need to stay home, or do something special or whatever. They are the most important things in my life.

As we sat in our circle last night I talked about how we have all been treating each other. I said that this is our family circle and we all need to feel safe in the circle. (I meant more emotionally then physically--I'm pretty sure no one in the family is concerned about their physical safety. We aren't typically prone to violence.) I'm so tired of the kids screaming at each other. It leads to us screaming at them. I don't want us to be that way. I think just focusing on love and showing an increase of love even when it is really hard will help with the way all of us treat each other. Because you know when kids are acting the worst they are probably in the most need of someone to show extra love to them. That is the hardest.

We ignored the house on Saturday. We played dodge ball in the backyard, we went to the park and Ryan took Isaac to the skate park to scooter. On Friday night we had a fun waffle feast and I let the kids spray Reddi-whip directly into their mouths (not something I would normally do, but then I thought, "Why the heck not?") Today I kidnapped the girls from school and took them out to lunch. I knew Audrey was having a bad morning and I just decided to surprise her. They were both thrilled. The plan is to have Ryan take Isaac out tomorrow--shh...don't tell!! It's not much, but we are trying.

Because this

is what really matters.