In case you didn't know, the new Blogger shows you how many people look at each post. So I'll give a special shout out to the two of you who actually read my blog! (Ryan and Mom, I'm assuming??) Thanks! Luckily I mainly do this for myself and my family's benefit. Especially this post. I need a journal entry today. I have been feeling so down and defeated lately. So you can stop reading if you want. The two of you already know most of this stuff.
The girls started school on July 9th. I was worried from the start. Audrey did not end second grade well--I have been concerned about her grades for some time now. Chloe also had a rough time in second, but seemed to be doing a little better. The sad thing is, they both try hard. It's not like they aren't doing the work. It's just that they don't get it. I was also worried because from what I could tell we were going from sweet, warm, loving second grade teachers to not so inviting third grade teachers. It made me nervous.
Well, as of right now, Audrey is pretty much failing third grade. (Can you fail third grade? Would they really hold her back?!) She comes home crying and tells me she is the worst student in the class. It breaks my heart. I graded her math test while I was volunteering and she only got one right. She got a 16% on her last spelling test. Her confidence in her skills is eroding away to nothing because no matter how hard she tries, she fails. When people ask me what she struggles with, I have to say, What doesn't she struggle with? Art. She is good at art.
So now we are shelling out the big bucks to get her tutors for reading once a week and math twice a week, plus she is going in early on Tuesday mornings to get extra help from her teacher. I never thought I would have a child that would have these types of problems. It is hard and I wish I knew how to help her.
On top of that worry, we are starting to see more of the "drama" that surrounds girls. The girls will come home and say that they didn't get to play with one of their friends at recess because someone made a rule that they had to rotate days of playing with this one girl and it wasn't their turn. Um, no. I told them you go tell those girls that you will play with whoever you want to play with, thank you very much. They were recently invited to a slumber party with a bunch of girls in their class. I didn't let them spend the night (just stay late), and after talking to the mom of the birthday girl about it, I am so glad I didn't. She said the drama was ridiculous "She doesn't want to play what we are playing, so we aren't going to play with her for the rest of the party..." Etc. etc. WHERE do they get this?! WHY are girls (and WOMEN) so mean to each other?! I know I was like this sometimes when I was little. I am always, always telling the girls to please not be the mean girls. I hope they are listening.
Isaac started middle school as a 6th grader on August 20th. He seems to enjoy it--but I can tell you, I have had major anxiety about it. I have never really thought I could homeschool--I do not have nearly enough patience--but it seems to me like every time Isaac starts a new phase of his education, I start researching it again. I don't like sending my little boy into the harsh reality and social minefield that is middle school. I don't like hearing that the kids say it is like walking around in a rated R movie all day long because the language and discussions are so vulgar. I know I can't shelter my kids from reality, but that doesn't mean I don't want to! I told Isaac today that I just don't want anything bad to happen to him. He said, "Bad stuff has already happened to me." And I said, "What?" and he pointed to a cut he got on his leg while hiking on Saturday. I said, "I am way less concerned about your physical safety than I am about your spirit getting hurt."
Today some kids at school made fun of the shirt he was wearing. He was pretty nonchalant about it all, but I just want to go to that school and beat the crap out of somebody. And I know it's not that big of a deal--but still, don't mess with my kid! I don't want him to go through what I did. I hope and pray that boys have it easier than girls do...
He tells me at least once a day that he wants to stay 4 and stay with me forever. I wish he could, too.
Parenting is so hard. It just keeps changing. Physically hard when they are little. Emotionally hard later. And I can only assume it will just keep getting harder.
I told Ryan tonight that I just want to move out to the middle of nowhere and live like the pioneers. No tv, no internet, no Wii, school at the kitchen table, chores outside together as a family. I know--yeah, right. But I still want that for my family's sake. This world scares me sometimes and I wish I knew how to protect my kids' tender little hearts and souls from it.
6 comments:
I feel the exact same way sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time. Today Sophie came home and said her "friend" told her that when she fell yesterday everyone was laughing at her because she did a "face plant". Nice. She was laying face down on the ground crying, with a severe break in her arm, and the kids are standing around laughing at her. I was sick all night thinking about the pain she must have been feeling and I wasn't there with her to help her. Yuck.
Luckily, kids are resilient. We made it through childhood with minimal scarring (mostly), so hopefully they will too. We just have to try and make our home their safe-haven no matter what. Which is also difficult when the siblings can attack each other as much (if not more) than the kids at school.
Maybe we could start our own little commune out in the middle of nowhere... ;)
I have all the same fears for kian too! I went to have lunch with him one day and even some of the little first graders were bullying. It's scary.
Don't forget all the people that use google reader to read blogs but are lazy and rarely comment. :) We don't show up on the blogger counts.
I understand your fears... that's what started us on the homeschooling path. Now we're doing it for more than just that, but I totally get where you are coming from.
I'm sorry your girls are struggling...that is just so hard to bear as a mother. I know. I think the tutoring is a huge step, and it will probably help them immensely!
Parker has been bullied since the day he set foot in Aspen after moving from Antelope. It has been a huge struggle for me as a mother. He seems to handle it well, like Isaac, but I worry about the impact it will have long-term on his sweet little soul. He's already become much more cynical than he ever used to be. I just keep hoping he'll have some good friends that will support him and I've realized that it is my responsibility to provide a home where he can feel safe, secure, and understand that the Spirit can lift him and comfort him through all things. Our homes are our last (and best) fortress against all of this craziness.
/soapbox :)
You are doing great things as a mother. Keep on keepin' on! :)
Most definitely more than 2 people read your blog!
I have to tell you that this blog post got me choked up...it is all the fears I have been feeling for my 3 kids recently. Except you are going through those fears now, and I am a few years away from it. The reality of having to drop my kid off into "the world" and its pressures, temptations, and such has hit me this year...this parenting thing is REAL. I can only imagine how terrifying it is to send little Isaac to middle school. I can't help but remember the sweet, QUIET little 3 year old we taught who would only whisper in jack's ear. How do they grow so fast?
Have confidence in the prinicples you have taught him, he will cling to them.
Hang in there, momma. You can do it.
But i secretly wish they could stay 4 forever, too.
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